Rediscovering Love in a Valley

Life has mountains; life has valleys. Often times I believe that in order to feel the presence of something we must first experience its absence. Many Christians - me being the worst - grow up "knowing" the truths about Jesus and His love and forgiveness, but so often never feel His love until after straying and returning. In order to truly know what forgiveness is and how to give it to others we have to first have to have had the need to be forgiven. To feel true acceptance, we first have to have been accepted ourselves; with all our faults, to have been forgiven and accepted. In order to feel real, true love, we first have to have felt and seen what real love does.

Real love is that 1 Corinthians 13 stuff: selfless and relentless. Real love is what made Jesus die on the cross for us wretched sinners. Before we can truly love, we have to know what it is to be loved. To be loved is to be forgiven of all sins and accepted for who you are. Jesus is love and is the reason we have love, acceptance, and forgiveness.

All growing up I lived in a very "Christian" atmosphere. Going to church, learning right from wrong, and never getting into any real trouble. Extremely blessed by my lack of trouble making I figured I was pretty good in my own right. I got baptized after seeing the Power Team deliver their salvation message. They told me that I had to believe that Jesus died for my sins, that I had to ask Him into my heart, and that He would wash all my sins away. Being the child I was, I knew I believed Jesus died. I mean that's what EVERYONE around me believed and told me I should believe too. So I did. There was never a great moment when I said to myself  "I believe" because I already did and always had. Since there was no time when I didn't believe that Jesus existed and my life never went through the about face so many people's testimonies include, I thought that "when I was a sinner" stuff didn't really apply to me. I had simple faith and asked to be baptized. I wanted the affirmation from my friends and family that I was going to Heaven and hey, who is a seven year-old to refuse attention? I always heard testimonies and Bible stories about God's unchanging, unfailing, undeserved love and forgiveness. But not wanting to confront it I pushed the sin and the Savior into a mental corner. I wanted them to shut up and stop bugging me about how I was doing things wrong and have known better since I was little. The mind doesn't seem to have very reliable corners though because during times when my head was spinning in circles, God jumped out of the corner to make everything complicated and take all the fun out of life.

That was so far from the truth. The truth I could only let sink in after I asked God out of the mental corner I has selfishly stuffed Him in. How hateful could I be?! After knowing full well everything He did for me I still had the cruelty to push Him aside. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that everything He did for me, He did out of love. Still I favored my own agenda but claimed Him as my Savior.

If someone asked me a Biblical question, I usually had a ready answer. Not because I had experienced it but because that's what I had been taught all my life. It wasn't until I entered high school that I learned what it was to really fail. To feel undeserving. Pitiful and useless, and not good for much. There I felt the absence of God's love. Not because it went away - it had always been there! - but because I chose to ignore it. All of a sudden, all the things I had ever done wrong were staring me in the face. Not being able to ignore them anymore I finally realized that the "while I was a sinner stuff" really does apply to me! I realized exactly what people meant when they said we are undeserving of God's love. And finally! Finally I grasped the fact that I will NEVER be able to grasp just how great God's love is for me. That's when I realized how unfailing He is. So many things could have happened to me during moments of foolishness, yet He protected me. So there I stood at the point where I needed forgiveness desperately. I wanted to feel completely accepted by someone who would never change their mind on me. So I looked up from the grave I had dug myself into. At last I went to God with everything I had. Not keeping one hand lifted in praise and one hand on the steering wheel, but in an "I throw my hands up in the air... sayin' ay oh, gotta let go." and oh what a beautiful place to be!
Praying "Jesus, please forgive me. You've humbled me and now I ask you to accept me as I am. It's all I have to give and I want it all to be Yours."
"You are forgiven child. I love you."

There I felt the love, forgiveness, and acceptance I wanted so badly. The love I had all along but didn't realize was there until I pushed it away. Why must we get so low in our valleys before we realize that we've left the mountain? Whatever our reason is, I thank God that He is richer in grace than I am in mistakes.

Blessings,
Tiffany Raye