Reflections - Senior Banquet - Hidden retreat

Let me begin by saying that I have shirked my blogging responsibilities long enough. I'm no longer allowed to use school as an excuse for not writing, so I'd like to start a blogging series. Reflections. I have no idea how many I will write, or what they will all be on. I only know that I'm going to use this as an opportunity to spend a lot of time reflecting on what God has done in my life throughout the past four years. This post may be long, but stick with me. Without further adieu...

Tonight was the senior banquet at my home church for the last eight years. Pastor Jerry began by saying that we should think back for a significant snapshot on our time in WSM. I don't consider myself an overly emotional person; the exception is when I start talking about significant memories. when the nostalgia drops in, my face turns red, I get that tense squeezing in the back of my throat, my voice shakes, and the tears flow. For this reason, I remained stuck to my seat, knowing that I couldn't possibly make it through without crying, and that even if I could, I would be speaking far too long. Knowing that I would regret not sharing what this meant to me, I chose to blog it instead. What flashes through my mind isn't one definite snapshot, it's more like an entire lesson series that my mind remembered in snapshots. Daughter of the King girls retreat in 2012 - HIDDEN. Safe. Secure. Adored.

Through not getting into much big trouble growing up, I felt like I didn't have a deep reason to be there, other than a good time with some ladies. I was mistaken. 
High school for me - and I daresay for plenty of others as well - was a time when everything has a way of making life confusing or difficult. Arguments with parents make you feel worthless. Crushes consume your mind and have a way of making you feel undesirable. Bad grades or bad games can make you feel good for nothing. Being mocked or ignored by the peers you admire leads you into a vicious cycle of conforming and self-loathing. Media paints beauty to be an airbrushed picture we will never mirror. I personally, have been weighed down by every single one of these things. It seems like they are always following me. I'll work and triumph over one problem, only to have three more problems rear their vicious heads. 
The proud person I become when I live without Jesus is convinced that I can conquer things alone if only I am determined enough. Inconceivable! It is with Him I have ever accomplished anything. 
The entire retreat focused on removing any and all masks we wore. One of the several masks I wore was strength: taking pride in doing everything myself, and hiding my faults because admission to sin shows weaknesses.

All through the worship, the slideshow, and the memories other students and leaders shared tonight, my mind kept going back to one particular part of the retreat. 
Around lunch time the second day, I got a phone call from my mom who told me that she missed and loved me, then confronted me about something I did, that she had stood very firmly against. My heart had pounded plenty of other times growing up, but nothing like this. For the first time in my life, I was in BIG kind of trouble. Hanging up the phone I felt terrorized. And having the tunnel vision of a high school teenage girl, I felt like my life was going to end the minute I got home. I felt like a failure. 
I went through the day pretending everything was dandy, sometimes even getting distracted, but then I would remember and my heart would drop again. Finally, at the evening session during worship, God broke the barricades I had built around myself. Helplessly and hopelessly, I let go of the walls. My hands stretched wide. Praising my maker with everything in me, I let the pent up tears flow freely. 
As we found our seats, Bekah reminded us to "let it flow!" because God catches every single one of our tears, whether it be in a cute little jar, or a huge vat. She tells us the get ready, because each of our fathers were asked to write us a letter with three words describing their daughter on the envelope to be read out loud. My dad isn't the kind to write spontaneous letters, so this meant a lot to me. 
I remember my name being the second called, and having trouble seeing the stairs through my watery eyes...finding a place to sit and read my letter... having trouble reading more than a few words at a time because I could barely see through the flood of tears that had previously become so foreign to me... sitting there both overwhelmed by my parents love, and feeling atrocious at the thought of them being disappointed in me... Sarah, on of the pastors wives I didn't even know glancing over at me as she walked in and stopping to ask if she could give me a hug... then the young lady I went with seeing my face and also giving me a hug. Knowing that we didn't need to say anything, we sat together in silent support, grateful for the gift of Christian fellowship. 

All of this to say that God is sovereign, and knows exactly what needs to happen and when. I left feeling adored by my Heavenly Father. I felt secure in knowing that no matter what I ever did He would always adore me. Though still nervous, I felt safe in facing my parents because I knew that they loved me and no matter the outcome I was secure in knowing I was adored by my God, and forever hidden in His love as a Daughter of the King.

My frame was not hidden from You, 

When I was made in secret, 

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Psalm 139:15

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the LORD, and I will bring you back from captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the LORD, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away. 

Jeremiah 29:11-14

Psalm 21 and 91

You are my hiding place;

You shall preserve me from trouble;

You shall surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 32:7

Favorite Winter Things

Being cozy inside and drinking coffee while reading or watching movies

Thanksgiving and Christmas
Making, smelling, and eating lots of food

Bright, cheery lights and the smell of freshly cut Christmas trees

Being the first to walk in freshly fallen snow

Fuzzy socks and flannel pj’s

Wrapping presents and imagining someone’s face as the open them

Surprises and opening presents

Arranging all the Christmas cards in one spot so they can all be seen

Cute scarves and soft sweaters

Friends, family, and laughter

Sledding and being silly, then the feeling of warming up by fireplaces

Perfect snowflakes that land on the window or on your eyelashes

Baking and making the whole house smell good
Going ice skating

Remembering on a Rainy Ride in Canada

Twelve years ago I was riding in a red van on a snowy day in Canada. It is curious that I've found my thoughts wander there on this rainy night, again in Canada and in a grey van not so different from the red one. I was quite preoccupied by coloring with the pencils that were a gift from my grandpa the year before, and blissfully ignorant of what was about to take place. So many things happened in the next moments, my mind can't help but think of everything at once.
"Gerry!" I heard my mom say with an urgency that I felt more than heard. I involuntarily lurched in my seat, and a ride I'll never forget followed: I saw the terror on my mothers face, looking from me to my dad and back again, and felt the cold, wet snow spray mine. I had a feeling of being suspended and terrifying thoughts of dying in a fire flew through my mind. Gripping my seat, I saw what can only be described as "bright" and felt power surround me. Even my six-year-old mind knew that there were forces greater than me present. At some point during our rollover roller-coaster I remember seeing billows of white and what I imagined could only be an angel fighting death for me and my family. I don't remember other details of what happened while we were in motion.
"Did that really just happen? What exactly happened anyway?" My thoughts were spinning faster than the car spinning through the air, "was that really an angel I saw? What..."
"My door is stuck I can't get out..." My mom said, interrupting my thoughts."
All the "important" details after that are hazy at best. Try as I might to remember, all I can think of is silly little things. Details only a six-year-old would care to find important.
I talked to my dad about all my Polly Pockets being scattered across the highway, and about looking for my despised snow boots that I had kicked off some time earlier. We found my boots - after we found a bottle of ketchup that had escaped the cooler somewhere during the spin - and heard my mom calling for her purse and gloves which had apparently jumped-van.
Not long after crawling out of the now totaled vehicle I found myself carried away - quite literally - by a strange man who put me in his car, wrapped his jacket around my shoulders, and placed my tiny toes, which had gotten very cold, into his warm gloves. He sat next to me for a few moments before leaving to do who knows what. I sat there bewildered about everything that had just happened, but mostly I pondered the strangeness of seeing my feet hidden inside the strange man's large gloves.
Some time later I was told that the strange man was actually an off-duty officer who had witnessed our van spin around and roll three times, before coming to rest on its wheels in the freeway median. Caused from being hit by a semi-truck, right outside where I was sitting inside the van. The big huge truck and tiny little me separated only by the metal frame. Well, that and the power of God.
All witnesses said that the three of us should have died, yet we all crawled out without so much as a broken bone.
Why God interceded for us twelve years ago, I don't know. But near death experiences can make one reexamine life and the purpose for living. Even though it happened two-thirds of my life ago, I still remember. I was too young to realize everything God did that day, but I begin to see it now. God is good and He saved my life. Given that life is a gift from him and there are things He has planned out for me to do, I want to live entirely and completely sold out for Him. Trusting Him with my life because quite honestly, it is in His hands regardless.

Blessings,
Tiffany Raye

Rediscovering Love in a Valley

Life has mountains; life has valleys. Often times I believe that in order to feel the presence of something we must first experience its absence. Many Christians - me being the worst - grow up "knowing" the truths about Jesus and His love and forgiveness, but so often never feel His love until after straying and returning. In order to truly know what forgiveness is and how to give it to others we have to first have to have had the need to be forgiven. To feel true acceptance, we first have to have been accepted ourselves; with all our faults, to have been forgiven and accepted. In order to feel real, true love, we first have to have felt and seen what real love does.

Real love is that 1 Corinthians 13 stuff: selfless and relentless. Real love is what made Jesus die on the cross for us wretched sinners. Before we can truly love, we have to know what it is to be loved. To be loved is to be forgiven of all sins and accepted for who you are. Jesus is love and is the reason we have love, acceptance, and forgiveness.

All growing up I lived in a very "Christian" atmosphere. Going to church, learning right from wrong, and never getting into any real trouble. Extremely blessed by my lack of trouble making I figured I was pretty good in my own right. I got baptized after seeing the Power Team deliver their salvation message. They told me that I had to believe that Jesus died for my sins, that I had to ask Him into my heart, and that He would wash all my sins away. Being the child I was, I knew I believed Jesus died. I mean that's what EVERYONE around me believed and told me I should believe too. So I did. There was never a great moment when I said to myself  "I believe" because I already did and always had. Since there was no time when I didn't believe that Jesus existed and my life never went through the about face so many people's testimonies include, I thought that "when I was a sinner" stuff didn't really apply to me. I had simple faith and asked to be baptized. I wanted the affirmation from my friends and family that I was going to Heaven and hey, who is a seven year-old to refuse attention? I always heard testimonies and Bible stories about God's unchanging, unfailing, undeserved love and forgiveness. But not wanting to confront it I pushed the sin and the Savior into a mental corner. I wanted them to shut up and stop bugging me about how I was doing things wrong and have known better since I was little. The mind doesn't seem to have very reliable corners though because during times when my head was spinning in circles, God jumped out of the corner to make everything complicated and take all the fun out of life.

That was so far from the truth. The truth I could only let sink in after I asked God out of the mental corner I has selfishly stuffed Him in. How hateful could I be?! After knowing full well everything He did for me I still had the cruelty to push Him aside. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that everything He did for me, He did out of love. Still I favored my own agenda but claimed Him as my Savior.

If someone asked me a Biblical question, I usually had a ready answer. Not because I had experienced it but because that's what I had been taught all my life. It wasn't until I entered high school that I learned what it was to really fail. To feel undeserving. Pitiful and useless, and not good for much. There I felt the absence of God's love. Not because it went away - it had always been there! - but because I chose to ignore it. All of a sudden, all the things I had ever done wrong were staring me in the face. Not being able to ignore them anymore I finally realized that the "while I was a sinner stuff" really does apply to me! I realized exactly what people meant when they said we are undeserving of God's love. And finally! Finally I grasped the fact that I will NEVER be able to grasp just how great God's love is for me. That's when I realized how unfailing He is. So many things could have happened to me during moments of foolishness, yet He protected me. So there I stood at the point where I needed forgiveness desperately. I wanted to feel completely accepted by someone who would never change their mind on me. So I looked up from the grave I had dug myself into. At last I went to God with everything I had. Not keeping one hand lifted in praise and one hand on the steering wheel, but in an "I throw my hands up in the air... sayin' ay oh, gotta let go." and oh what a beautiful place to be!
Praying "Jesus, please forgive me. You've humbled me and now I ask you to accept me as I am. It's all I have to give and I want it all to be Yours."
"You are forgiven child. I love you."

There I felt the love, forgiveness, and acceptance I wanted so badly. The love I had all along but didn't realize was there until I pushed it away. Why must we get so low in our valleys before we realize that we've left the mountain? Whatever our reason is, I thank God that He is richer in grace than I am in mistakes.

Blessings,
Tiffany Raye

Summer Thoughts

So many thoughts drift through my mind as I begin this post, each one tumbling over another, begging to be put to words. Thoughts of all that happened over this summer tied with imaginings of what God has in my future. I don't remember there ever being a season in my life in which I've learned so much.

This summer I went on a mission trip to San Quintin, Mexico then stayed ten days in Temecula, California. Both such stark contrasts to each other, I kept finding my focus drifting to various thoughts about why some people are more "blessed" than others and why everyone can't have both the beautiful friendships of Mexico all inside the wonderful comforts of a typical California home. Why do so many Americans continue on complaining about their first world problems such as not having the pocket change to fix the scratch in their Mercedes while only a five hour car ride going south to a place where people would love to have any kind of car at all! Despite me and my scattered thoughts of life's injustices, God continued to show me that no matter what, He always provides. Not in the same way for everybody, but always He provides, so often with more than enough.

Picture I took in Tadoussac, Canada along the St Lawrence

I want to tell you about everything all at once! As I struggle to continue putting my thoughts of the summer and what happened into words I pause to examine why I desire to put what I feel into words. Why I want so desperately to share with you the experiences that made up my summer. Maybe because I'm the kind of person who thinks good things are meant to be shared. Perhaps it's because I want to share my experiences with you so that you might learn from them. Or maybe even it's because I myself understand things better when put to words. Whatever the reason for my desire to write, God reminded me that in the big scheme of things my words don't even matter; His words matter! No matter what pictures I paint, or sounds I play with my words, they are just noise if His love is not included in them. (1 Corinthians 13) So being successfully knocked off my self-righteous pedestal built by selfish ego I am on my knees in prayer begging God to let you see not me in these words but that you'd see a mirror reflecting my Creator. It is so easy to get caught up in all the "good things" we are doing and completely forget about why we are doing them in the first place. I don't want to forget that the focus of everything I do should be on showing and experiencing God's love.

Honored as I am that you made time to read my silly ramblings I pray you make time to read God's word. Anything I write is simply my commentary on what I've read mixed with stories and life experiences. That said, I have several blog posts coming soon inspired by my summer adventures.

Blessings,
Tiffany Raye

Do Not Worry

While the religious beliefs of Bob Marley might have been radical, he understood something that he wrote-in a simpler sense-in his song Don't Worry Be Happy, that many in our society struggle to grasp.


This Biblical concept that Christ Himself tries to get us to understand, is that if God cares about clothing the grass of the field that is here one day and gone the next, then us as God's crowning creation will be more than provided for. 

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?“So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:25-34

Worry is as dangerous for the poor as money is to the rich. A rich man will have greater difficulty entering the kingdom of Heaven, as a camel will getting through the eye of the needle.
And what are all those riches worth anyway? For as you entered the world, so shall you leave. (Job 1:21)

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21

Does not tomorrow hold in itself enough troubles that you have to go looking for more? Worry is nothing but trouble. Don't let yourself get distracted by earthly things like money, fancy things, or pleasure. We are intended to live our lives without worry; not by being immune to troubles, but by being equipped with God's grace-we can live in spite or troubles. BECAUSE God created YOU, He loves you. And for those He loves (everyone who yet breathes) He died to give both eternal life, and a life with Himself by your side. If He went through so much trouble for those so undeserving, ought you not accept His gifts?

Come to Me, all of you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

That said, just let it go. God shows Himself in mighty ways when we allow ourselves to lose control and give it all to Him

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Verses for further study and meditation

52 Summer Will-Do's

1. Play in the rain
2. Watch the sunrise
3. Climb a tree
4. Lie in the grass
5. Watch the sunset
6. Stargaze
7. Swim in the ocean
8. Jump from a rope swing
9. Write a short story, song, or poem
10. Build a sandcastle
11. Buy something silly and spontaneous
12. Help plan family vacation
13. Catch a lightning bug
14. Skip stones
15. Start a good habit
16. Make a playlist of summer songs
17. Run through a sprinkler
18. Turn the music up loud and dance with my brother
19. Watch fireworks
20. See a Tigers game at Comerica Park
21. Make s'mores
22. Fly a kite
23. Rollerblade with my daddy
24. Go on a picnic
25. Bike ride someplace new
26. Volunteer selflessly
27. Go to a farmers market or fair
28. Go mini-bowling in Canada
29. Restaurant hop
30. Take a hike
31. Drive to a Great Lake and visit a lighthouse
32. Draw with chalk
33. Help in a garden
34. Go to an outdoor concert
35. Try something new
36. Go to the Woodward Dream Cruise
37. Go to a drive-in movie
38. Light paper lanterns and sparklers
39. Swing high in a park
40. Play frisbee
41. Canoe, kayak, paddle boat, or jet ski
42. Read a comic book
43. Do a puzzle
44. Go for a run somewhere new
45. Try/conquer something new and difficult
46. Make ice cream
47. Read a non-fiction book
48. Witness/be part of a miracle
49. Have a water fight
50. Go on a mission trip to another country
51. Share my testimony with someone new
52. Make an album of all the things I complete on this list