Tonight was the senior banquet at my home church for the last eight years. Pastor Jerry began by saying that we should think back for a significant snapshot on our time in WSM. I don't consider myself an overly emotional person; the exception is when I start talking about significant memories. when the nostalgia drops in, my face turns red, I get that tense squeezing in the back of my throat, my voice shakes, and the tears flow. For this reason, I remained stuck to my seat, knowing that I couldn't possibly make it through without crying, and that even if I could, I would be speaking far too long. Knowing that I would regret not sharing what this meant to me, I chose to blog it instead. What flashes through my mind isn't one definite snapshot, it's more like an entire lesson series that my mind remembered in snapshots. Daughter of the King girls retreat in 2012 - HIDDEN. Safe. Secure. Adored.
Through not getting into much big trouble growing up, I felt like I didn't have a deep reason to be there, other than a good time with some ladies. I was mistaken.
High school for me - and I daresay for plenty of others as well - was a time when everything has a way of making life confusing or difficult. Arguments with parents make you feel worthless. Crushes consume your mind and have a way of making you feel undesirable. Bad grades or bad games can make you feel good for nothing. Being mocked or ignored by the peers you admire leads you into a vicious cycle of conforming and self-loathing. Media paints beauty to be an airbrushed picture we will never mirror. I personally, have been weighed down by every single one of these things. It seems like they are always following me. I'll work and triumph over one problem, only to have three more problems rear their vicious heads.
The proud person I become when I live without Jesus is convinced that I can conquer things alone if only I am determined enough. Inconceivable! It is with Him I have ever accomplished anything.
The entire retreat focused on removing any and all masks we wore. One of the several masks I wore was strength: taking pride in doing everything myself, and hiding my faults because admission to sin shows weaknesses.
High school for me - and I daresay for plenty of others as well - was a time when everything has a way of making life confusing or difficult. Arguments with parents make you feel worthless. Crushes consume your mind and have a way of making you feel undesirable. Bad grades or bad games can make you feel good for nothing. Being mocked or ignored by the peers you admire leads you into a vicious cycle of conforming and self-loathing. Media paints beauty to be an airbrushed picture we will never mirror. I personally, have been weighed down by every single one of these things. It seems like they are always following me. I'll work and triumph over one problem, only to have three more problems rear their vicious heads.
The proud person I become when I live without Jesus is convinced that I can conquer things alone if only I am determined enough. Inconceivable! It is with Him I have ever accomplished anything.
The entire retreat focused on removing any and all masks we wore. One of the several masks I wore was strength: taking pride in doing everything myself, and hiding my faults because admission to sin shows weaknesses.
All through the worship, the slideshow, and the memories other students and leaders shared tonight, my mind kept going back to one particular part of the retreat.
Around lunch time the second day, I got a phone call from my mom who told me that she missed and loved me, then confronted me about something I did, that she had stood very firmly against. My heart had pounded plenty of other times growing up, but nothing like this. For the first time in my life, I was in BIG kind of trouble. Hanging up the phone I felt terrorized. And having the tunnel vision of a high school teenage girl, I felt like my life was going to end the minute I got home. I felt like a failure.
I went through the day pretending everything was dandy, sometimes even getting distracted, but then I would remember and my heart would drop again. Finally, at the evening session during worship, God broke the barricades I had built around myself. Helplessly and hopelessly, I let go of the walls. My hands stretched wide. Praising my maker with everything in me, I let the pent up tears flow freely.
As we found our seats, Bekah reminded us to "let it flow!" because God catches every single one of our tears, whether it be in a cute little jar, or a huge vat. She tells us the get ready, because each of our fathers were asked to write us a letter with three words describing their daughter on the envelope to be read out loud. My dad isn't the kind to write spontaneous letters, so this meant a lot to me.
I remember my name being the second called, and having trouble seeing the stairs through my watery eyes...finding a place to sit and read my letter... having trouble reading more than a few words at a time because I could barely see through the flood of tears that had previously become so foreign to me... sitting there both overwhelmed by my parents love, and feeling atrocious at the thought of them being disappointed in me... Sarah, on of the pastors wives I didn't even know glancing over at me as she walked in and stopping to ask if she could give me a hug... then the young lady I went with seeing my face and also giving me a hug. Knowing that we didn't need to say anything, we sat together in silent support, grateful for the gift of Christian fellowship.
All of this to say that God is sovereign, and knows exactly what needs to happen and when. I left feeling adored by my Heavenly Father. I felt secure in knowing that no matter what I ever did He would always adore me. Though still nervous, I felt safe in facing my parents because I knew that they loved me and no matter the outcome I was secure in knowing I was adored by my God, and forever hidden in His love as a Daughter of the King.
Around lunch time the second day, I got a phone call from my mom who told me that she missed and loved me, then confronted me about something I did, that she had stood very firmly against. My heart had pounded plenty of other times growing up, but nothing like this. For the first time in my life, I was in BIG kind of trouble. Hanging up the phone I felt terrorized. And having the tunnel vision of a high school teenage girl, I felt like my life was going to end the minute I got home. I felt like a failure.
I went through the day pretending everything was dandy, sometimes even getting distracted, but then I would remember and my heart would drop again. Finally, at the evening session during worship, God broke the barricades I had built around myself. Helplessly and hopelessly, I let go of the walls. My hands stretched wide. Praising my maker with everything in me, I let the pent up tears flow freely.
As we found our seats, Bekah reminded us to "let it flow!" because God catches every single one of our tears, whether it be in a cute little jar, or a huge vat. She tells us the get ready, because each of our fathers were asked to write us a letter with three words describing their daughter on the envelope to be read out loud. My dad isn't the kind to write spontaneous letters, so this meant a lot to me.
I remember my name being the second called, and having trouble seeing the stairs through my watery eyes...finding a place to sit and read my letter... having trouble reading more than a few words at a time because I could barely see through the flood of tears that had previously become so foreign to me... sitting there both overwhelmed by my parents love, and feeling atrocious at the thought of them being disappointed in me... Sarah, on of the pastors wives I didn't even know glancing over at me as she walked in and stopping to ask if she could give me a hug... then the young lady I went with seeing my face and also giving me a hug. Knowing that we didn't need to say anything, we sat together in silent support, grateful for the gift of Christian fellowship.
All of this to say that God is sovereign, and knows exactly what needs to happen and when. I left feeling adored by my Heavenly Father. I felt secure in knowing that no matter what I ever did He would always adore me. Though still nervous, I felt safe in facing my parents because I knew that they loved me and no matter the outcome I was secure in knowing I was adored by my God, and forever hidden in His love as a Daughter of the King.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Psalm 139:15
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the LORD, and I will bring you back from captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the LORD, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away.
Jeremiah 29:11-14
Psalm 21 and 91
You are my hiding place;
You shall preserve me from trouble;
You shall surround me with songs of deliverance.
Psalm 32:7
