Reflections - Senior Banquet - Hidden retreat

Let me begin by saying that I have shirked my blogging responsibilities long enough. I'm no longer allowed to use school as an excuse for not writing, so I'd like to start a blogging series. Reflections. I have no idea how many I will write, or what they will all be on. I only know that I'm going to use this as an opportunity to spend a lot of time reflecting on what God has done in my life throughout the past four years. This post may be long, but stick with me. Without further adieu...

Tonight was the senior banquet at my home church for the last eight years. Pastor Jerry began by saying that we should think back for a significant snapshot on our time in WSM. I don't consider myself an overly emotional person; the exception is when I start talking about significant memories. when the nostalgia drops in, my face turns red, I get that tense squeezing in the back of my throat, my voice shakes, and the tears flow. For this reason, I remained stuck to my seat, knowing that I couldn't possibly make it through without crying, and that even if I could, I would be speaking far too long. Knowing that I would regret not sharing what this meant to me, I chose to blog it instead. What flashes through my mind isn't one definite snapshot, it's more like an entire lesson series that my mind remembered in snapshots. Daughter of the King girls retreat in 2012 - HIDDEN. Safe. Secure. Adored.

Through not getting into much big trouble growing up, I felt like I didn't have a deep reason to be there, other than a good time with some ladies. I was mistaken. 
High school for me - and I daresay for plenty of others as well - was a time when everything has a way of making life confusing or difficult. Arguments with parents make you feel worthless. Crushes consume your mind and have a way of making you feel undesirable. Bad grades or bad games can make you feel good for nothing. Being mocked or ignored by the peers you admire leads you into a vicious cycle of conforming and self-loathing. Media paints beauty to be an airbrushed picture we will never mirror. I personally, have been weighed down by every single one of these things. It seems like they are always following me. I'll work and triumph over one problem, only to have three more problems rear their vicious heads. 
The proud person I become when I live without Jesus is convinced that I can conquer things alone if only I am determined enough. Inconceivable! It is with Him I have ever accomplished anything. 
The entire retreat focused on removing any and all masks we wore. One of the several masks I wore was strength: taking pride in doing everything myself, and hiding my faults because admission to sin shows weaknesses.

All through the worship, the slideshow, and the memories other students and leaders shared tonight, my mind kept going back to one particular part of the retreat. 
Around lunch time the second day, I got a phone call from my mom who told me that she missed and loved me, then confronted me about something I did, that she had stood very firmly against. My heart had pounded plenty of other times growing up, but nothing like this. For the first time in my life, I was in BIG kind of trouble. Hanging up the phone I felt terrorized. And having the tunnel vision of a high school teenage girl, I felt like my life was going to end the minute I got home. I felt like a failure. 
I went through the day pretending everything was dandy, sometimes even getting distracted, but then I would remember and my heart would drop again. Finally, at the evening session during worship, God broke the barricades I had built around myself. Helplessly and hopelessly, I let go of the walls. My hands stretched wide. Praising my maker with everything in me, I let the pent up tears flow freely. 
As we found our seats, Bekah reminded us to "let it flow!" because God catches every single one of our tears, whether it be in a cute little jar, or a huge vat. She tells us the get ready, because each of our fathers were asked to write us a letter with three words describing their daughter on the envelope to be read out loud. My dad isn't the kind to write spontaneous letters, so this meant a lot to me. 
I remember my name being the second called, and having trouble seeing the stairs through my watery eyes...finding a place to sit and read my letter... having trouble reading more than a few words at a time because I could barely see through the flood of tears that had previously become so foreign to me... sitting there both overwhelmed by my parents love, and feeling atrocious at the thought of them being disappointed in me... Sarah, on of the pastors wives I didn't even know glancing over at me as she walked in and stopping to ask if she could give me a hug... then the young lady I went with seeing my face and also giving me a hug. Knowing that we didn't need to say anything, we sat together in silent support, grateful for the gift of Christian fellowship. 

All of this to say that God is sovereign, and knows exactly what needs to happen and when. I left feeling adored by my Heavenly Father. I felt secure in knowing that no matter what I ever did He would always adore me. Though still nervous, I felt safe in facing my parents because I knew that they loved me and no matter the outcome I was secure in knowing I was adored by my God, and forever hidden in His love as a Daughter of the King.

My frame was not hidden from You, 

When I was made in secret, 

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Psalm 139:15

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the LORD, and I will bring you back from captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the LORD, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away. 

Jeremiah 29:11-14

Psalm 21 and 91

You are my hiding place;

You shall preserve me from trouble;

You shall surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 32:7

He always answers

I've heard people say that God doesn't answer their prayers. That God has forgotten about them or thinks they are not important enough to bother with.

God died for you. On a cross. I promise that no matter who you are, He adores you.

And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive. Matthew 21:22 I've misunderstood this verse many times to mean that if I were to ask God for a car He would have one in my driveway or that if I asked Him for a boyfriend I would have one the next day. Because God loves me so much, He won't give me something that will harm me, even if I beg Him for it. He has a plan bigger than what I can see and often my silly little human wants do not fit into that plan.

You have just taken a tray of cookies out of the oven and your four-year-old son Elijah gets excited and reaches for one. You would obviously tell Elijah no because you know he will get burned if you give him a cookie now. But he doesn't understand that the cookies are hot; he wants a cookie now. Little Elijah may cry and say that you don't love him. Maybe he'll say that you're a mean mommy or daddy but in truth, you told him no because you know more than he does. You didn't tell Elijah no because you want to keep all the cookies to yourself; you said no because you don't want him to get hurt. You told him no because you cared enough.

We, as children of God ask for "cookies" all the time. We think our prayers are being ignored or that maybe God doesn't love us. But that is not the case. God may not have dropped a new car in your driveway this morning, or transformed your ranch home into a colonial mansion-that doesn't mean He hasn't heard your prayers or that He doesn't love you. In fact it's exactly the opposite! He loves you so much that He sometimes tells you no. We, as children of God, have somebody to look out for us when we want things that will harm us. We, as children of God often mistake His love and lose faith in Him.

I and many others have done this but take heart for God has not abandoned you. Your prayers are being heard and whether the answer is that wonderful yes, or a no you don't want to hear... rest assured that as long as you earnestly seek Him, He is orchestrating something beautiful that will bless you and bring Him to greater glory in your life. He always answers prayers so rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Wait on Him and His timing...He could be waiting for the cookies to cool so He can give them to you next to a glass of milk-or in my case coffee.

In Him,

Tiffany Raye

Wearing My Heart on My... Hand?

"Are you married?"

"No, I'm not."

"So why do you have a ring on your wedding finger?"

"Umm.. well, I uh..."

This is a conversation I've had on many an occasion with the curious first graders I volunteer with. Such a simple question I could answer so many ways. Usually I answer with something like: "I wear it on my ring finger because my future prince is that important to me."

However, here is a more elaborate version:

My purity ring represents not only a promise I made to my future Prince Charming(guys: Cinderella), but, in a way it also represents my heart. Although it has met some hard times, and has gotten scratched and bruised; it's still all there. Whole. Here's a mental picture: if I were to give in to temptation now it would be like cutting a piece of my ring out and throwing it away. Cutting a piece of my ring out would be foolish simply because it would become sharp and poke at me. Just like cutting a piece of my heart out would be foolish because it too would become sharp and hurt at me. To be completely honest, giving your heart to someone you think is "the one" at seventeen is a silly thing to do: even sillier when you change your mind and re-give what's left of your heart to the next "the one" two weeks later.

Think about what kind of reaction you would get if you took the piece of your ring that you cut out and gave it to the same person you gave the piece of your heart to. Would they value it and say, "Oh thanks! I'll treasure it forever!"

Or would they say, "Wow, how useless." and simply throw it away. Even though it's not all that meaningful to them, it sure hurts you.

If you asked me, "What if I've already given away these pieces? Can't I get them back?"

I would have to tell you no. You can't get them back. And even if you did, all you'd have is pieces. However, in all this gloominess there is hope. God came to the earth and died on the cross representing a heart/body so beaten and cut it was unrecognizable. By doing this, He built a bridge to God-the Master Jeweler/Heart Mender. Although God won't bestow on you a new heart, He will help you put all the pieces back together (because in Him you are made new.Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.2 Corinthians 5:17 . But only if you're willing to give up control and let Him do His perfect work. He will also help your future Prince Charming/Cinderella look past your past, and love you for the precious person you are. If this person doesn't want to be with you because of your past, he doesn't really love you. If this is the case, you should wait patiently until God sees it right to introduce you to you real Prince/Princess. "I charge you brethren, do not awaken love until it so desires." This is so important, God wrote it not once, not twice, but three times in Song of Solomon.

I pray that my ramblings mean something to you; and if you read this all the way through, thank you. :) If you ever have a topic you'd like me to write about, leave a comment!! And if you don't want me to know who's asking, write to me anonymously!

In Him,

Tiffany Raye